New Jax Witty: Profiles in Courage: Too Cool Cal From California

I picked up this guy from California who mostly just coughed his way through the ride, so I didn't get to know him real well. I am sure that's for the best. I like to have a positive opinion of my riders, if at all possible, but you know how first impressions go. It's sad when you end up with a lasting negative impression of someone, but I think some people try really hard to make sure that's exactly what you get. And it was more than just a little coughing (actually, a lot of coughing) that caused my impression, albeit not that much more.

I suppose this guy probably has a chip on his shoulder about something. Since he told me he was a truck mechanic, I assume he probably went to work doing that rather than going to college. And there's nothing wrong with that, but maybe some people have made him feel inferior because of it, and that's why he wants to portray himself as someone to be reckoned with. Like I said, he barely said two words to me, but what he did say was plenty.

As we were in the Avenues Mall parking lot, he slathered himself in cologne. He apologized for doing it and causing my car to smell like a pheromone factory, but he said the ladies liked it. "And I gotta get some booty," he added. So this guy was heading to the mall, where teenagers and young moms hang out, and that's when he decides to pull out the big guns. Pitbull Man, perhaps. Then again, he was a little older than he was pretending to be, so maybe he was still rockin the Axe body spray. Apparently, body and auto interior spray.

So Too Cool Cal was going to the mall to look for some beautiful babies because the high schools were closed, apparently. And I can respect his game, since all the bars and libraries are closed, so the mall probably does become the best place to cruise for hotties. So far, he's not really all that bad, I guess. Probably most guys on a two-day vacay to Jacksonville are crawling the malls for some bootay. I assume he didn't know about the Town Center, and I'm glad I didn't suggest it earlier in the conversation, before he'd divulged his intentions to cruise for teenagers at The Avenues.

Anyhow, Too Cool Cal was kind of an amoral sleazeball, but he's was just representin his home state. I know, I know, this is Florida. But people here are at least a little nicer about their lack of moral judgement, and they probably say "I appreciate it" as they carjack you. And "Yes, Sir," if you ask if you're being carjacked. Too Cool Cal, on the other hand, decided to tell me a little story as he left the vehicle to comb the food court for tasty treats, letting me know that it's great to be on vacation and to be rich, as he'd recently sold his business to a family member for $400,000. I told him that was great, and I'm sure it's the line he uses to get all the babes (in case the Pitbull perfume doesn't do the trick). The problem is that I wasn't looking for a one-night stand with Too Cool Cal, so telling me he's taking a vacation with $400,000 only means that he's declaring himself the winner in a pissing contest that started at the moment he told me about his happiness. Obviously, a Lyft driver isn't going to compete with that, with my main asset depreciating as fast as the money I make using it for rides.

The lesson here, for those who are as socially dimwitted as Too Cool Cal, is that you should not degrade women (or chase teenagers) as objects, even if you think your driver is your brah. And you shouldn't brag about all your money, even if you are planning on giving that driver a decent tip. In this particular case, Cal didn't send a tip my way, which makes him look even smaller. He said it was good I had the AC running because other drivers did not, he used my usb charger for his device, and I even went to the trouble of asking someone where the best entrance to the mall would be for him. Actually, I only heard about his getting teen booty and newfound fortune because I went to the extra effort of not dropping him off at the first set of doors, from whence he would have had to have walked about 1/4 mile to the open doors. Just remember that everyone out there is forming opinions of you when they meet you. This guy just annoyed me with his annoying confidence, probably based in reality, but still annoying, especially when he thinks all I wanted from him was to bask in his second-hand coolness. Not good enough, Brah.

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Wednesday, May 13

Profiles in Courage: Too Cool Cal From California