First off, your house looks like a pigsty. Thanks for having me over, but clean up a little, wouldja? People who come to your house, like your boss or co-workers, judge you harshly, and it's especially true for those of us who are getting ornery because we're getting older. I'm not impressed by your workout gym in the living room because I can see that it's your youthful metabolism rather than actual workouts that keeps you in better shape than me. And I can also see the dust on your NordicTrack.
One of the first tools invented by early man was a broom. I suggest you bring it in from the garage once in a while. A companion tool is called a dustpan. I know this is all new and complicated, so I'll give you some time to open your audio recording app on your iphone.
Yes, I realize it's a great deal that your mom comes over and cleans for you once a week. And I also would like to inform you how sad it is. How's about next week you have her go into work for you and you come home to clean your own house; maybe head over to her place and clean up there, too. Or maybe, just go to work and then come home and clean like the rest of us.
You have way too much clothing in your closet. Do you ever wear that Seniors '12 T-Shirt? I hope you don't still hang out with any of those losers from high school. Next time you're stopped at an intersection with a panhandler, toss him all your high school gear. That's a great way to advertise your alma mater.
You do realize that windows are made out of a substance called glass, which is relatively clear. While glass can break if mishandled, you can safely spray it with Windex and then wipe clean with a paper towel. Perhaps the layer of dirt has made it difficult for you to see the weeds in the yard. Make sure you buy weed killer that can be used on St. Augustine grass. You might have to read the instructions if you've never used weed killer before, and that appears to be the case.
Garages are made for cars. Your mini-SUV will last longer if it's in the garage. Yes, your couch will also last out there, but living rooms are made for couches. No room in your house is made for a pool table. You play billiards at a bar.
That smokey eye look you're going for makes you look like a slut, or a dead person. Maybe a dead slut. I crack myself up. Wait, a dead slut on crack. That's what that eye makeup does for you. Shh, I'm talking. This isn't mansplaining if I'm right. Team Jacob, right?
According to these credit card statements, you pay the minimum every month. You are living in a house that took me fifteen years of hard work to afford, driving a car that I've never tried to afford, and paying the minimum in credit cards? And you had to go and get a refrigerator with a tablet installed in it? I hope it has a camera inside the fridge so you can look at your food from the outside, but because you spend so much money, you probably can barely afford food. No, I stand corrected: you have plenty of craft beer, organic vegetables, and fancy cheese in here.
You make how much for sitting at a computer all day? And you're looking to the federal government to forgive your student loans? Maybe just hold off on the boat for six months and pay off all your loans, and then save for the boat instead of buying it with a loan. I know, you want the boat now, but the water will be there in two years. And I know your phone is two years old and your car is nearly four years old, but those can also wait. Your spouse will not leave you if you spend less than $1,000 this Christmas. I've been married over a decade and probably have spent $1,000 total in Christmas gifts on my wife.